


hello! you're pretty and welcome to jackass

by mushydesserts



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, Sexual Harassment, Stalking, Voyeurism, don't piss off the Marshal, he will cut you, no seriously i swear it's ok, protective ninja dad Cor, talk shit get hit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-21 15:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11360583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushydesserts/pseuds/mushydesserts
Summary: Cor scowled darkly.Ignis Scientia, young advisor to the Prince, had evidently been in the midst of going over what looked like half a dozen towering stacks of paper with one of the Crown's business officials. He was utterly absorbed in the reports. He had been taking great care to explain exactly what each one meant for the Crown's finances.The business official, an older man with slicked-back hair and a sleazy pinstriped suit, had evidently been in the midst of leaning over the advisor from behind and peering down the front of his shirt.(Occasionally, people forget their manners around four very handsome young men of the Crown City.Luckily, Cor is there to refresh their memories. Kinkmeme fill, complete.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For [this prompt](https://ffxv-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/3892.html?thread=4825908), about people creeping on the bros.

Cor scowled darkly.

He was supposed to be meeting with Clarus in one of these damned conference rooms. He was late, in fact. Clarus was probably going to needle him about it as soon as he showed up. Cor hated being late, and as a result, Clarus enjoyed every minute he was.

But instead, Cor was standing in the doorway of what was apparently not the correct meeting room, disrupting its two occupants.

Ignis Scientia, young advisor to the Prince, had evidently been in the midst of going over what looked like half a dozen towering stacks of paper with one of the Crown's business officials. He was utterly absorbed in the reports. Cor had never seen anyone display such interest in chart printouts. He had been taking great care to explain exactly what each one meant for the Crown's finances.

The business official, an older man with slicked-back hair and a sleazy pinstriped suit, had evidently been in the midst of leaning over the advisor from behind and peering down the front of his shirt. He made absent noises of appreciation every time Ignis pointed something out. This had, as far as Cor could tell from the schedule on the door, been going on for the better part of an hour.

Cor felt a headache coming on.

Ignis was speaking. "Here we see the profits during the last fiscal year from the textile production sector..."

The businessman shifted forward as if to get a better look at the document despite the fact that he was paying no attention to it whatsoever. He hummed instead, hand on the back of Ignis's chair. If he leaned over any further, he was probably going to tip right onto the advisor, and then oh look, a hand on the young man's shoulder, whoops. Terribly sorry. But what's the data on this graphic? If you could explain...

Cor surreptitiously flexed his fingers. A knuckle cracked. He was going to be very late for that meeting.

He breathed for a moment, then shifted so that his hand rested on his katana. He schooled his face.

He knocked and cleared his throat. Loudly. Both of them looked up.

"Scientia," Cor said. "Clarus would like to confer with you."

Ignis blinked, green eyes surprised. The businessman looked faintly irritated to have been interrupted, but then Cor saw a slow spark of recognition in his face. Good. "Marshal. About what?"

"He said something about unnecessary fatalities on the last field tour. The one you attended," Cor said pointedly.

This was patently false. Cor had made that report to Clarus weeks ago, but Ignis couldn't know it. Cor took a moment to internally enjoy the way the businessman paled as he glanced back down at the advisor.

Ignis sat back, heaving a great sigh. "Are you certain? I thought that was cleared."

"There might have been a mix-up." Or there was about to be, anyway; an assistant was about to find the proper paperwork at the bottom of Cor's shred pile back in his office. Which would be fine. Cor was usually very organized.

Ignis rolled his eyes. "Apologies. Excuse me," he added to the man, who had scrambled upright to get out of the way and was now standing a respectful five feet back from him. Ignis got up, crossed the room, and stepped past Cor into the hallway.

As soon as the door shut, Cor turned his head slowly, deliberately, to look at the man. The man froze.

Cor raised his finger.

He tapped it once, very lightly, on the hilt of his katana. The man's eyes went round.

"I'll — I have — sorry, I have to go," the man squeaked out. He cleared his throat and gave Cor a very wide berth as he crossed the room. It took the man an extra half a minute to try to figure out how to navigate himself through the door without coming within arm's reach of the Marshal. Cor didn't move.

By the time the man managed to get a foot in the hallway, Ignis had appeared again, cleaning his glasses and looking puzzled. The advisor spoke distractedly.

"...said it was fine, there weren't any casualties who weren't asking for it anyway, I wouldn't have put it in those precise words myself but — sir?" He called out in surprise to the businessman, who was now making a rapid exit down the hall. "We can proceed, if you — "

The man was gone.

Ignis turned a baffled look to Cor.

Cor cleared his throat again. "He said he had somewhere to be."

Ignis blinked. "Ah. Not the most well-mannered of him, then, but I suppose we shouldn't stop him." He paused. "Do you think he'll be coming back?"

"Probably not," Cor said.

Ignis sighed. "Waste of an afternoon," he lamented, and went to gather up his spreadsheets.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Three minutes before the bell was set to ring and mark the end of another school day at West Insomnia District Secondary, a cell phone buzzed in the back of the room of Class C. A student sitting in the second-last row surreptitiously glanced down at her screen under the desk.

_"ree. Ree come out around back"_

She sighed.

A mere half minute later, the phone buzzed again.

_"ree COME ON"_

Ree gritted her teeth.

As soon as the bell rang, she gathered up her books, threw them into her bag, slung it over one shoulder and headed out the entryway to the back parking lot. Another girl sitting on the low brick wall at the corner of the lot waved her over.

Ree approached wearily. It'd been a long day, and when she got home, she still had to polish an essay that she was hoping to sell to some freshman for a hundred and fifty gil. It was due in a couple days, and she wasn't about to lose a customer because she couldn't net at least a damn B. "What is it?"

The girl uncrossed her legs. Ree winced. That skirt was almost certainly pulled up too short to pass dress code. "Guess who I caught necking out in the back stairwell during lunch break," she said, grin salacious.

Ree groaned. "Oh my gods. Mei. This isn't your thing with the Prince again, is it?"

"It sure as hell is," she said.

Said Prince was Noctis Lucis Caelum of Insomnia, a year below them, and Mei was _obsessed_ with him. Ree wasn't even sure it was attraction. That didn't seem to describe it accurately. She had some sort of unholy need that could only be satisfied via proximity, and Ree was pretty sure that if this lasted a couple years out, a restraining order was coming down the line.

"You have no chance with him, Mei. He's gonna be married off to some princess as soon as he graduates," Ree pointed out.

"All the more reason I gotta enjoy him while he's still accessible, you know?" Mei defended.

"Accessible, sure." Enjoy. Mei had a tendency to describe the Prince like he was some sort of buffet dinner. "Does he actually know you exist? At all? I told you, if you get caught sneaking into the boys' change rooms again, I don't know you."

"But I haven't been, have I?" Mei grinned. "Anyway, guess. _Guess._ "

Ree frowned. Might as well hear it here first. "The tall guy he's always with. The bodyguard."

"Nope."

Shit, that was a lost bet there. "The other one? The tutor?" The rumor was that the Prince was gay as all get-out anyway; the kid could hang out with anyone in Insomnia he wanted to, and his entourage was somehow always hot male upperclassmen. Maybe that's why Mei was so determined about all this — she took it as a personal slight that she couldn't get an in.

"Seriously?" Mei rolled her eyes. She thrust her phone at Ree. "Here."

Ree prodded at the lit-up screen.

The gallery reeled out under her finger. Photos of the Prince napping on the grassy knoll just off campus. Photos of the Prince pulling his dark sweater off over his head in the late spring heat, shirt riding up to flash a glimpse of his boxers. Photos of the Prince flicking through his phone while sitting at a table near the front of a diner, slurping an iced coffee. He was playing some sort of mobile game. She could see him losing.

Ree frowned. "There are super high resolution." Holy hell.

"Gotta get the goods," Mei said. "Keep going."

The Prince browsing a rack of comic books. The Prince leaning into the front window of a black car with tinted windows, apparently talking to his driver; the camera lingered on his ass for an unnecessary amount of shots. The Prince lounging against the wall out back, book bag on the ground. The Prince sharing a cigarette —

Ree's eyebrows shot up. "He's smoking? On school property?" That was one for page six. It was kind of hot, actually.

"That's not the point," Mei whined. "Look. Look!"

— sharing a cigarette with a blond kid that Ree vaguely recognized from Class B.

"Holy shit." Ree zoomed in on his face. "Is that Prompto Argentum?"

_"Yeah,"_ Mei said emphatically. "You know how they've hanging out a lot these days. I thought maybe he was just bumming smokes off him here, but then..."

Mei snatched the phone back, thrust the screen below Ree's nose, and scrolled through the next set, one by one.

In slow progression: Prompto Argentum, shock of blond hair, sleeves rolled up to reveal his forearms. Prompto Argentum swiping a cigarette out of Noctis Lucis Caelum's hand. Prompto Argentum taking a gleeful, teasing drag. Noctis Lucis Caelum nicking the cigarette back, irritated frown.

Prompto Argentum reaching for it again, only to be distracted by the Prince grabbing his wrist, leaning in, and pressing a slow, lazy kiss to his mouth.

There were _at least_ ten shots of the lead-up, so Ree could see it happen as if in slow motion. Contact was undeniable. That didn't look like an accident.

"Shit." Ree stared.

"I _fucking knew it,"_ Mei said, smug. "Do you think they've fucked yet?"

"Mei, shut up," Ree said. She scrolled backwards, forwards. The images were clear as day.

Her mind raced. Nobody knew about this, she was pretty sure. With how much Mei stalked the poor bastard, it'd be shocking if _anybody_ in the public knew any detail of the Prince's personal life before she did. Which meant that this was _news._ And it was the kind of news people would pay for. Pay to _see._

"How much do you think we could get if we sold this to the tabloids?" Mei said. "I mean, I'm definitely keeping a copy. Or like a lot of copies, whatever. But I bet the paps would kill to know."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's just a kiss," Ree said. She frowned. Wasn't it? What if there'd been more?

What if there still _was_ more?

"Mei," she said, "How many pictures of these two have you got on here?"

"I don't know. A bunch. A couple dozen... hundred," Mei amended. "A couple hundred. Look, I didn't think they were _making out around town,_ or I'd have gotten more."

Ree handed the phone back. "Do you think," she said, "You still could?"

Mei stared. "Bitch," she said. She swiped the phone back. "You know it."

Ree had seen Mei grab photos through the blinds on the sleeping Prince's apartment windows. If she could repeat the trick when something was actually happening? And gods, with video? Maybe there was a profit to be made from Mei being _the creepiest,_ after all. "Good girl," Ree said.

Mei hummed happily, scrolling through the set again. "Argentum ain't bad looking," she admitted dreamily. "Can you imagine them together?"

"Guess I won't have to," Ree snorted. "How many of those did you get anyway?"

Mei shrugged. "I just set it on auto."

"Too busy staring?"

"Shut up."

Ree crossed her arms, derisive.

A moment later, however, Mei paled. Her finger paused on the screen.

Ree glanced at her, curious. "What?"

"Nothing," Mei said. She swiped. Her finger stopped again.

"Did you run out of memory or something?"

"No," Mei said. "No. Just."

"Yeah?"

"Just look at this. Do you — what is this, do you see this?"

Ree uncrossed her arms and leaned over.

It looked like a dark blur at first. A looming figure, just over the shoulder of the Prince, in the corner of the yard. The rest of the image was still crystal clear.

"A smudge?" Ree said.

"That's what I thought, but like — " Mei frowned. She swiped to the next picture.

The shadow was gone.

"Okay," Ree said.

"And then look." Mei swiped to the next.

The figure was back.

Ree stared. "That's weird." The shape was definitely there.

"And then — "

Mei swiped.

The figure was gone.

Ree squinted. "Is that a person?"

"I had this set on continuous shot," Mei said. "Nobody moves that fast."

Ree reached out and swiped back and forth a couple times. The figure definitely looked like a person, but the blur was incongruous. She could see the smoke from the cigarette, the Prince's eyelashes, Argentum's freckles all frozen in the sunlight; but the figure was tall, dark, with no distinct features.

"Huh." That was... odd, to say the least.

Mei swiped forward again. To the next. Then the next. Two without the figure. One with. One without. One with.

Ree frowned incredulously. "Is it getting closer?"

"I didn't see anything," Mei said.

"You were kind of distracted, weren't you?"

"I think I'd have noticed a fucking _six-foot cryptid_ coming at me," Mei protested. She swiped again. The phone slipped from her fingers onto the grass. "Shit!"

"What?"

Mei stared at the phone, face white.

"What?" Ree said.

"The lens," Mei finally stammered. "Check — check the lens."

Ree picked it up. She looked closer and made a face. "Looks like you cracked it good. Bad luck," she said.

"I didn't — " Mei spluttered. "I wasn't — that wasn't from — I didn't — it didn't just — "

Ree stared.

Mei just pointed. "The photos," she breathed. "Look."

Ree cautiously pressed the button. The screen lit up again.

The photo on the screen was difficult make out. She could still see the Prince's legs tangled with Argentum's up against the brick wall, vivid in the distance, but the foreground was a strange smear of light and shadow. Something metallic glinted in the corner of the image.

Ree swiped.

The next photo was nothingness: dim fog with a line straight down the middle, where the lens was cracked.

So was the next photo.

So was the next photo.

So were the next fifteen photos.

The gallery ended.

Ree blinked. "What the fuck happened there?"

"I _fucking swear_ I didn't see anything," Mei squeaked.

"You didn't even notice someone breaking your camera lens _while you were using it?"_

"I don't know! I don't know! I told you, what the hell kind of person moves _that fast?"_

"What else could it have been?" Ree breathed.

Mei looked at the phone shakily. She made no move to take it back.

Ree set it down on the grass in front of them gently.

The two girls stood over it for a good few minutes, and then Ree cleared her throat.

"So, like I said. Maybe you should give this whole thing a rest," she said.

"Yeah, maybe," Mei said, nodding slightly too rapidly. "You want to keep it? Maybe you should keep it."

"Yeah, no," Ree said.

"I don't want it," Mei moaned.

"Nope, not touching it with a ten-foot pole."

 


	3. Chapter 3

Cor slid into a seat at the counter.   
  
The diner was dark, sky overcast outside, the light from the windows grey and thin. The tables and counters were homey, but faded and worn; the menus were yellowing at the edges. The seat squeaked as it turned, old and stiff. For a moment Cor was afraid it wouldn't hold him. But then it settled, and so did he.   
  
The man behind the counter nodded at him quietly, wiping his hands on a cloth. "Anythin' for ya?"   
  
Cor was tempted to ask for whiskey, honestly.   
  
But it was slightly before noon, and he wasn't here to sit alone and mope, as much as he would've liked to do so. "Whatever's on tap," he said instead. The man went to fetch him a glass.   
  
Cor slouched and looked around him.   
  
The diner was almost empty. It wasn't a widely-visited spot — there were other eateries nearby that were brighter, cleaner, more family friendly; if someone was in the mood for something  _less_  family-friendly, there were better bars and clubs just up the road in Lestallum. This place was mostly abandoned, probably kept going only by the truckers and drifters who couldn't be assed to stop in town proper for a meal and a bathroom break.   
  
That was why Cor was here, probably. It was a good spot to sit and brood or chat when you weren't in a mood to be around other people.   
  
He drained half his glass. He waited.   
  
He didn't have to wait long.   
  
A gust of air accompanied the door swinging open and shut again. Gladio stepped in.   
  
The younger man looked around anxiously for a moment, eyes adjusting, but relaxed perceptibly when he spotted Cor. He seemed to be in good health, Cor noted, if a little tired.   
  
Cor waited patiently for Gladio to make his way over, politely order  _water's good,_  and sit down gingerly, tapping his fingers on the counter. He seemed slightly on edge. Understandable, given recent events.   
  
Cor spoke first. "You doing okay?"   
  
Gladio looked up, distracted. "Yeah."  
  
Cor supposed he'd have to take that answer. "How are the others?"   
  
"Iggy's a little scuffed up from when daemons jumped us a couple nights ago. Prompto still hasn't heard word from his folks. Noct's — well. He's better than he was, but you know."   
  
Cor made a noise of assent. "Guess I do," Cor said. Never been that good with emotions, that one, and it'd been the bane of his father's existence for some years there when Regis was still alive.   
  
Gladio shifted in his seat. "I never thanked you for getting Iris and the others out," he said.   
  
That was right. Jared and the Hestias' little boy. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more."   
  
Gladio looked away. "I'm just glad you were around."   
  
"And I'm glad you weren't," Cor said. "Regardless, we should figure out where to get you all to next."   
  
Gladio looked grateful. He flipped over the menu with a faint smile. "Right. I'm starving. What's there to eat here?"   
  
Cor really couldn't say. He wasn't at the Crow's Nest for food very often. Hopefully his digestive tract hadn't atrophied too badly over the years. He picked up a laminated card.  
  
The two of them were still squinting at the water-stained text when the door swung open again.   
  
The new arrivals were four men — younger than Cor but older than Gladio, by the looks of them. They didn't seem to be dressed for travel, their shirts pressed-and-rumpled, scuffed shoes a little nicer than average. Locals, most likely. Along with them came a waft of cigarette smoke, a burst of laughter, and the kind of chatter that spoke of before-noon celebrations that might've gotten a bit out of hand.   
  
" — and then she said  _no, she had somewhere to be._  Like, bitch, where do you have to be? Your home's up in smoke on national fuckin' television, we all see it — "   
  
"And  _she_  made it out  _fine._  Probably sucked some guy off for a ride out this far — "   
  
"I know, right? And her friend just starts like,  _oh she's not interested asshole, how dare you,_  and I'm like holy shit, how the fuck do you know? You've been off in the corner with those three dipshits from Galdin all night — "   
  
" — Galdin ain't even Leide proper, like what — "  
  
" — when was the last time she was even back? You live with your godsdamned parents in Dinky Fishing Town 34. You have for five  _years._  Every single guy here knows it! You're going to act like you're better than us now?"  
  
"That's bitches from the Capital for you, all think they're too good — "   
  
Cor tensed.   
  
Well. That was the downside of joints like this: either they were quiet and utterly deserted, or they were full of an entirely questionable crowd. It was just their bad luck that today happened to be the latter.   
  
Three of the men settled in at the other end of the bar, keeping the server — now friendly, but more alert in posture — busy with requests. They weren't all that picky about their drinks, and they seemed acquainted with the food here already. They prodded the server for gossip instead, and he genially obliged as he busied himself with filling their glasses.   
  
One of the men, sitting nearest to them, kept eyeing Gladio without saying anything. Cor was struck with an irritated urge to get up and sit between the two.   
  
Gladio, for his part, appeared not to notice. Going by the set of his shoulders, he was expending just as much effort as Cor was in trying to relax. It wasn't as if these people could tell at a glance where they'd come from, but their conversation hadn't exactly been comfortable to overhear.  
  
Eventually, the man appeared to make up his mind and opened his mouth.  
  
"Hi," he said squarely to Gladio.   
  
Cor's jaw tightened.   
  
Gladio gave the man a neutral glance. "Hey," he returned, and tried to look absorbed in his menu.   
  
The man, who Cor thought it was safe to assume had stumbled out of one of the bars down the road and been out all night, didn't catch the hint. "Never seen you around these parts," he said.   
  
"Nope. Not here often," Gladio said.   
  
"Yeah? Where are you from?" The man's expression was kind of glazed.   
  
"Just passing through," Gladio said vaguely.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yeah. For next couple days," Gladio said. "Should be out of your way soon enough."   
  
That should've been an out for the man. He didn't take it.   
  
"Well, I don't want that," he said, and Cor felt his blood pressure rise. "Buy you a drink?"  
  
Cor could tell Gladio was getting kind of fed up. "I got one," he said, raising his cup. "But thanks."   
  
The man slid closer, and Gladio drew back awkwardly as the man peered into the cup. "You sure? Because that looks like water to me," the man said. "You're not gonna turn down a free drink?"   
  
Gladio shot Cor a slightly unnerved look. "Really, thanks. But I'm good."   
  
The man didn't catch that hint either.   
  
Instead, he gave Gladio a slow look up and down that took a year off Cor's life. His glazed eyes lingered on Gladio's open shirt front.   
  
"How about I buy you one anyway?"   
  
Gladio grimaced. He didn't look too surprised — apparently he'd heard that one before — but he sure didn't look like he was in the mood to entertain it. "I'm with someone," Gladio said, all easier let-downs failing.   
  
Cor honestly didn't know if Gladio meant it, or if he was just saying it to get the guy to leave him alone. He'd long resigned himself to being hopelessly out of the loop about these things. Either way, the man didn't take it the way ninety-nine out of a hundred sober people with a sense of self-preservation would have taken it.   
  
"What," the man craned his neck around Gladio and nodded at Cor. He scoffed. "This guy?"   
  
Cor felt his veins turn to ice.   
  
_Astrals alive._    
  
"Boyfriend? Kind of old for ya, ain't he?" The man was beginning to slur. "Daddy? Sugar daddy?" Half of Cor's colleagues were newly dead, he didn't know where he was supposed to be staying, his beer was getting warm, and he was listening to  _this?_  
  
Gladio tensed. "Hey," he said. "Chill out."   
  
"I got an idea instead," the man said. Gladio stiffened as he slid up to the counter next to him, close enough to press their thighs together. The bar stools were fixed to the floor, or Cor was sure there would've been a screech of furniture on tile as Gladio tried to back away. "Why don't you ditch the geezer and come with us?"   
  
"Why don't you back off?" Gladio retorted, irate, trying to remove himself from the guy's grasp. There wasn't much room to maneuver.   
  
The guy reached out with a finger and flicked Gladio's shirt open. Gladio, incensed and mildly panicked, smacked the man's arm out of the way. The guy growled and grabbed Gladio by the shirt front, shoving him back into the counter.   
  
Water and beer jostled, spilling on the countertop and across Gladio's arm. The three other men turned to look in slow motion. Somewhere in the background, the server started to reach for something under the counter.   
  
Cor stood up from his seat, turned, and threw the man across the room.   
  
The man reeled helplessly through the air, mouth open and astonished. He flew past his wide-eyed friends, who had gone mute. He crashed into the pinball machine in the corner, bounced off, and sprawled across the black-and-white tile floor.   
  
Dead silence.   
  
The pinball machine burst into a quiet victory fanfare, lights and sirens flashing to life.   
  
"Holy shit," Gladio breathed.   
  
The other men who had come in with the guy on the floor evidently had better survival instincts than their friend. They dropped some cash on the counter, drained their drinks, and beat a hasty retreat, leaving their comrade limp on the ground. The server behind the counter sighed and went to fetch a mop.   
  
Cor sat back down.   
  
Gladio took a couple tentative steps towards the body on the ground. "Is he dead?" He sounded a bit strangled.   
  
"No," Cor said tersely. "He'll wake up in a couple of days." He finished his drink.  
  
"Wow." Gladio sounded speechless. "Huh."   
  
Cor looked at Gladio, then at the stool next to him pointedly. Gladio gave the guy one last look, then slunk obediently back to his seat.  
  
After a moment, Gladio let out a weak snort. "Heh."   
  
Cor maybe,  _maybe_  shouldn't have ordered that beer. "What is it, Amicitia?"   
  
"Ever think about being a bouncer when all this is over?"   
  
Cor chuckled darkly. "Trust me," he said without missing a beat, "Working for the royal family is already that and more."  
  
Gladio raised his water with a grin. "Hear you on that one."   
  
Cor got a sudden flash of Clarus Amicitia, scowling and with bloody knuckles, standing over some punk who'd thought a sixteen-year-old Cor would be an easy pickup. That had been a long time ago. That punk had also thought wrong on multiple fronts.   
  
Cor turned the mug idly in his hands. "He would've been worse off if your father had been here," Cor said, softer.   
  
Gladio scratched his neck, embarrassed. "I think if Dad was here, he'd be laughing his ass off," he said. "Probably is, right now."   
  
Cor felt a tiny something pull at his lips.   
  
"Probably," he said. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> Find me at [mushydesserts.tumblr.com](https://mushydesserts.tumblr.com/)!


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